relationships

It Matters That You’re There

Kevin Simmons · March 10, 2020 · Leave a Comment

How often do you talk about Jesus?

I’m not talking about a quick “Jesus loves you.” I’m not even talking about you’re “Thank you, Jesus!” when you passed that police officer speeding and didn’t get a ticket.

I’m talking about a real, in-depth conversation about your faith… a thirty-minute, uncomfortable, but necessary conversation about the things you need to address, change, and be encouraged within your faith.

It’s probably been a while.

We don’t have a lot of forced conversations that come from different perspectives. Most of us engage in conversation that is comfortable and stays pretty much in the field of our point-of-view. We’re not creatures that generally seek out a challenge.

But… we need to be challenged.

We all-too-often live our lives practically trying to pursue comfort. We want a more comfortable financial situation, we want a bigger home, a nicer bed, or a newer car. We work long hours and extra days to afford such.

Comfort never created meaning.

We want a social-media-worthy life, but that type of life isn’t what cultivates meaning in our lives. Comfort creates complacency. When we’re comfortable, we’re less likely to move or adjust our lives. Jesus’ invitation was to follow Him, and following is always going to require movement.

Why do we need to be in church? There are two things at church that make us uncomfortable and compel our stories forward. We need them both equally.

The first is relationships. We need to be at church because there are people at church that we need to be in a relationship with. We need the challenge that they bring to our lives. You can’t get that online. It happens when you’re there.

The second thing we need is a Pastor. We need someone to lovingly force a spiritual conversation for us each week that compels growth in our relationship with God. We need to not be able to press pause or skip to another, more comfortable talk that we’d rather listen to.

The church is a bold assembly of broken people united in worship of a beautiful Savior. We need the people and that Pastor, and you can’t really have that when you’re not there.

It matters. And… It matters that you’re there.

Our Greatest Loyalty

Kevin Simmons · January 7, 2020 · Leave a Comment

The Breakfast Club, a popular movie from the 1980s, depicted five different students, all from different high school stereotypes. There was the jock, the nerd, the princess, the bad kid, and the troubled kid. The movie is popular because it shows that behind every cookie-cutter stereotype, a real person is living a real story that’s much more complex.

I remember navigating this tension. As a middle school student, I shifted from several identities, trying to navigate a world that had changed so much for me after my accident when I was in sixth grade. Every attempt to form a new identity was really an attempt to find purpose and meaning.

Identity is multilayered.

For some, I’m their boss. For some, I’m their pastor. For others, I’m their friend. For a few, I’m their dad. And for one, I’m her husband. Leader, Pastor, Friend, Father, and Husband… those are a lot of hats to juggle.

Think about where we are as a culture. Our identity isn’t fixed merely on titles and responsibilities. Our identity is formed by choices we make, allegiances we declare, and the support we give.

So… For many of us, it’s no longer Parent and Spouse. We are defined by much more than relationships and vocation. We are defined by political parties and politicians we endorse. We are defined by the businesses we support. And this new approach has created quite a problem for our identity.

There is a hierarchy within our identity. At least there should be.

I’d suggest to you that one of the reasons we can’t seem to get it right these days is because we’ve lost the sense of what’s ultimately important. We’re navigating life by reacting to what seems important at the moment, not what’s ultimately important in our lives.

We teach our kids that it’s essential to be kind to strangers, respectful to their teachers, and lots of other useful things. We also show them, rightly so, that they are ultimately responsible for being obedient to their parents. They’ll get a new teacher next year, strangers will pass in a few seconds, but they’re stuck under the authority of their parents.

In essence, we’re teaching our kids that there is a loyalty that matters more.

This understanding helps them to navigate the tensions that come as a result of the conflict. Conflict within our loyalties is inevitable. The teacher is going to say it’s ok to do something the parent has said is not. The friend’s parent is going to allow something that the parent doesn’t. We rightly guide our kids to understand that their highest loyalty is not to the moment, but to their parents.

WHEN YOUR LOYALTY GETS CONFLICTED

Have you experienced that as an adult? I’m sure you have. Your friends make a comment about your wife. Your coworkers make fun of your boss. People online insult a political belief that you hold.

How do you navigate this?

If you haven’t decided what’s important to you, you’ll be tossed into the moment with the feelings and stresses that it brings. You’ll be tempted to sacrifice what is ultimately important to you for something that feels important to you at the moment.

This is pretty easy when you’re dealing with external relationships, choosing between your wife and friends, for example. It’s much harder when you’re internally conflicted.

I think that one challenging thing for us today is that we’re living in a time where we don’t understand a loyalty that disagrees. We don’t do this well with others, and we don’t do it well inside ourselves.

It’s too often we either blindly accept everything from a person or holistically reject someone because of a mild disagreement. This sort of loyalty doesn’t lend itself to improvement or progress.

It’s also important to recognize that we don’t have to offer blind loyalty to others. This means we can still honor a relationship, provide our loyalty, and admit that something isn’t right.

When someone points out something that’s honestly negative about a politician you admire, you don’t have to become unhinged or disassociated. You can simply acknowledge their shortcomings and continue to support them until acknowledging their shortcomings becomes an issue!

OUR GREATEST LOYALTY

If this tension is real, we must live with an understanding of where our greatest loyalty resides because it honestly seems like we’re often confused about this.

As a follower of Jesus, our greatest loyalty resides in Him.

Make no mistake, this is where our ultimate accountability lies. It’s Jesus that we’re called to follow, be like, and love like.

Our passing whims of affiliation should never pale in comparison to the greatness of our affection for the true King of our lives.

This is where we get hijacked. Our hearts are coerced into affection for things that have only momentary significance. We lay down the ultimate for the fleeting.

Not only do we dishonor Jesus, be we dishonor the things He loves. In our freakish attempts to express these temporary loyalties, we dishonor people, the very thing Jesus gave His life to save. All people, even people that fall way outside of our perspective, are objects of His affection. He desires that all of them come to a saving knowledge of Himself.

Let’s get it right. Jesus is the object of our ultimate loyalty, he will forever remain that, and nothing can compare to Him.

Let’s live like Jesus is our King. Let’s treat others in a way that reflects the price He paid for them.

Let’s do better.

* * * * *

What’s one source of identity that’s created a false sense of loyalty?

The Biggest Lie You’re Telling Right Now

Kevin Simmons · May 12, 2014 · Leave a Comment

Every relationship relies on communication.

We often think of relationships through titles… boyfriend, mother, best friend, wife, boss, next-door neighbor, etc.

Relationships can perhaps be defined by titles, but they exist because we’re working to associate with each other. One of the main ways we do that is through conversation.

Think about your relationship with Jesus… it’s sustained by prayer, which is simply an ongoing conversation with Him. If conversation is that vital to our relationship with God, it’s probably going to be important in all of them.

Not all of our efforts to communicate are effective, however. If we’re honest, some of them just flat-out stink.

Here are a few standard ways we stink at communicating in our relationships…

Deflection. When someone tries to talk to you about something that has to do with you, you deflect the attention to something that has to do with them.
Reduction. We all have big problems in our lives. A reduction is when we reduce a problem’s significance. A reduction takes a big problem and talks about it like it’s insignificant.
Amplification. This is where someone takes a small issue and blows it up into a huge one, often to try to shift the attention from a bigger issue that’s perhaps more uncomfortable.
Explosion. If a difficult conversation is going a direction you’re uncomfortable with, a full-on blow up will increase the intensity of the conversation. This is often the result of someone feeling extremely vulnerable and out-of-control.

The most ineffective way we communicate is telling a lie.

Jesus took the truth so serious that He defined himself as The Truth (John 14:6). When we lie, we don’t tell the truth. This one act communicates one simple truth: we don’t trust Jesus completely.

The difficult thing to accept is that many of us are telling lies right now, but perhaps in a way that you’re not aware of.

The biggest lie you’re probably telling is something that you’re NOT saying.

I’d like to call that an OMISSION.

Here’s a few reasons we don’t talk about important things…

“We’ve already talked about this.” This is a lie that we’ve believed where we think that just because we had a past conversation about this general topic, it’s covered under that umbrella. It’s where the guy who told his wife he loved her on their wedding day, gets the idea that h doesn’t need to tell her that again.
“It’s going to cause a fight.” Yep, it probably is. And, that’s probably a good thing. You most likely NEED that fight to gain some central ground. And… If you run away from it, you’ll be missing out on something that you most likely need.
“They don’t need to know.” Who said that… You? You decided they don’t need to know about something that’s important and could affect them? If something’s important to someone, you talk to them about it.
“I’d rather not tell them.” An intentional omission is the brother to an intentional lie. If you’re not telling them, there’s a reason. Not telling someone, intentionally, is denying a very important level of vulnerability and intimacy to your relationship.

Here’s the big reason we need to talk about important things:
When we don’t talk about important things, our enemy has the chance to fill in the gaps with lies.

Our enemy is described as the “Father of Lies” in the Scriptures (John 8:44). That means that one of the most significant attacks that we are consistently under is an attack on the truth.

So… why not make every effort to make sure the truth is talked about?

* * * * *

Here’s three things you might want to do today to respond to this:

Tell somebody important “I love you.” Maybe even tell them why.
Take a moment to remind your kids that you believe in them and that you’re always going to be there for them no matter what they’re facing.
Drop a note to someone who’s made a difference in your life and remind them how much you appreciate what they’ve done for you

What else could we do to have a conversation that we’ve been omitting?

Mean People And You

Kevin Simmons · April 15, 2012 · 1 Comment

I’ve had several conversations with people in the last few days who shared with me about their relationships with faux-friends, coworkers, bosses, and family members who are essentially just mean old people.
You can break mean people down into several categories (this list is not exhaustive by any count):

Overly Critical: Overly critical people always rush to point out the flaws in products, productions, or plans. They don’t make constructive comments in love designed to build the other up; they instead make critical comments with the intentions of breaking others down. They often do so to demonstrate a false sense of superiority born out of some sort of deep-seeded inferiority complex. They are not encouraging or loving. Overly critical people leave people feeling broken, wasted, and used.
Personally Insulting: Individuals who are personally insulting continually use character flaws as a means of putting others down. They find the traits that they can critique (often publicly) and do so to gain some sense of power or authority over the other. These people do so either in front of the person or behind their back. Beware of your friends, coworkers, and family members who insult others when they’re not around; when you’re not around you can rest assured that you’re a target as well.
Perpetually Negative: People who are perpetually negative always seem to focus on the bad things in life, not just the personally negative (like the personally insulting) or about the negatives about products and plans (like the overly critical). Their lives seem to be lived focused on a negative world filled with negative news and negative characters. These are the people who can’t say anything nice about anybody. The glass is always half-empty and their days are always partly-cloudy. We like to call them downers, because they seemingly want to bring everyone down to live where they are.

The friends I’ve talked with are bright, hard-working, and capable. I know them personally. A few of them I’ve worked with before. As we talked I could sense the pain in their voice and the weight on their hearts. I can tell they’ve been hurt. I know that struggling with these mean people has really, really challenged them. I also know this: we all have to deal with mean people, and if we’re not careful, we’ll become one of them.
Here are a few guidelines when dealing with mean people:

They got problems. People who are overly critical, personally insulting, and perpetually negative are doing so because they have some legitimate baggage they need handled. Their baggage isn’t yours; you can’t carry it for them. What’s happening is this: they are projecting their personal problems on you. You’re taking the brunt of the issues they haven’t dealt with. Until they get real and deal with their baggage, they’re probably going to continue the same pattern. Hurting people hurt people, and you just happen to be one of the people in their way.

It’s not always them. Criticism isn’t bad by nature, and some of us can’t have someone say something helpful without us getting our feelings hurt. If that’s you: quit being a pansy. If your boss expects you to do a better job and you can do a better job, then suck it up and do a better job. If you can do a better job, but you just don’t know how to: tell your boss in humility and ask him for grace, guidance, coaching, and support. If you just can’t do a better job and better performance is required, then find another job. Criticism can be constructive when it’s delivered in love. Sometimes love hurts. It’s this kind of love that God uses to change our life. Change is never comfortable. Learn to be receptive to constructive criticism shared in love that will promote a righteous change in your life.

Who exactly are you following and living for? Sometimes we get confused and think we’re serving our boss. We might get even get confused about who we’re living for. If you haven’t figured it out yet, then let me remind you: follow Jesus; He’s the only one worth living for. I had a famous preacher tell me something very important early on in my ministry: “Son, if you think you’re going to be better off by being close to me, you’ve missed it. I’m only going to disappoint you the closer you get. Get close to Jesus and follow Him. He won’t disappoint you.” Colossians 3:22 tells us who we’re supposed to work for. It tells us to do everything with “sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord.” We’re supposed to be following and living for Jesus. Let HIS opinion hold priority. Let HIS perspective inform yours. Fear God (alone).

Forgive. This is God’s plan for dealing with mean people. We know this because at some point we were all mean to God, and he chose to forgive in spite of the pain we caused Him. He chose to forgive us even when forgiveness was going to be costly. God chose to forgive and invited us into the same plan. If you’re dealing with an overly critical, personally insulting, or perpetually negative person … forgive them. They’re broken, but so are you in some way. As you forgive them, be reminded of how much grace cost and let this awareness cause you to love Jesus even more, since He forgave you.

A few thoughts if you feel like you might just be a mean person:

Trust the people who’ve stuck around. Most likely God has placed people into your life that love you genuinely. They’ve stuck around as you’ve gotten mean. They’ve taken your shots. They’ve forgiven you and continued on in this relationship with you most likely out of a extremely selfless posture. Get honest with these real-friends. Ask them where you’ve failed. Ask them how you can do better. Ask them. Most likely they love you enough to be honest, if you let them, and their honesty will reframe your perspective of yourself … And, let’s just be honest here, if you’re a mean person … your self-image needs a bit of reframing.
Repent. Ask God to forgive you and change the way you’re treating people (and Him). You likely need to repent publicly as well, since your meanness (sinfulness) hasn’t been solely between you and the Lord. You need to ask forgiveness for specifics and listen to the people you’ve hurt. You need to feel the weight of your sin. Thats part of repentance: actually facing sin & the consequences of your actions. Turn from the ways that led the brokenness and embrace God’s plan for your life.
Embrace Humility. Lastly embrace humility. Mean people mostly likely live at the top of their own priority list. Its tough for them to serve people, love people, and lead people because they care more about themselves than they do others. Humility is a posture in our hearts that recognizes our place in this world. It recognizes our futile power in the light of God’s great power. It relies on God-promotion instead of self-promotion. Humility subtracts the self of life. You most likely need to eat some humble pie. It won’t taste good at first, but you’ll be better for it in the end.